undoing
Last year around this same time, I posed a question “What is this place”; on my blog. The question was cryptic at best as my effort to go into more than just the question itself was not there. However, a month later put a little more effort into that question with the post, ;There. Is. More.
Today, I’m at the same place wondering what is this place (MHGS), and how is it that I hope and call myself and others to more. I’ve spent the past year wondering if I had it in me to search for more. It is impossible for me to deny the need for a voice to call others to more….and I wonder how I can call the institution of Mars Hill Graduate School to more: More responsibility, More truth, and More gospel. If we truly believe that the gospel is all it’s cracked up to be (especially here at MHGS), then our pursuit for what that gospel is should stop at nothing. The problem is, what is that gospel? Specifically in the context of MHGS, what is the gospel that is taught and encouraged? What we’re taught is that the gospel is the belief that any story can be redeemed …. regardless of how that story was created. And that emphasis on ‘creating chaos’ is the problem.
February 27th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
wow. wow. wow.
to wit:
“What we’re taught is that the gospel is the belief that any story can be redeemed …. regardless of how that story was created. *And that’s the problem* [emphasis added].
I’m convinced that the mission of MHGS has become so engrained in the walls of the school that *the very glory we all seek is seemingly found in the creation of disruption and chaos. A far cry from stepping into the story of chaos and disruption …. not the creation of it* [emphasis added].”
how profound. and, insofar as what i experienced there in the early 00’s, how true.
February 29th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
your words are so clear, Samuel. I love reading them because they just settle in me - I don’t have to parse them up - they just look me right in the eyes without blinking.
I have been thinking lately about the chaos that the program brings on within the students (myself included). I have never had such a chaotic time in my life as my few years at MHGS. I thought I would have to get divorced, I went into a deep depression, I questioned every ounce of good or strength in myself that I had once thought to be so clear. So much of the insanity was good, and so much just left me really confused, even after graduating.
Why is the ability to CONTAIN and QUIET oneself during the process not portrayed as strength? Or at least not portrayed as important a process as dangling on the edge of the abyss.
Whether it was stated overtly or not, I always believed myself to be ‘doing better/more work’ if I was pushing myself deeper and beyond - always.
The problem becomes, deeper into what? and deeper for what end purpose?
I think where I question the process/where the process needs to be changed is where, as you said, the chaos/despair/disruption is looked at with pleasure. I felt a little “nod” of approval as my chaos was observed, and felt that where the two elements would cause the most traumatic reaction, THOSE are the two elements placed together.
In my opinion (again, as you said), the goal of chaos is always to get BEYOND the chaos… to break down the lies that are inhibiting growth and to then GROW. Not to remain disrupted. That is no different than living life stuck in a vicious cycle of pathology or addiction.
As Steve said in class the other day, where do we glorify insight and awareness to the point where we forget that the POINT of insight is to then CHANGE.
I realized this after graduating… a few months after I graduated I felt myself dismissing much of the turmoil I had felt for so long, I consciously turned my process to “low”, and to my amazement it felt wonderful. It didn’t just feel like relief, it felt like growth.
During the program I had always thought that turning DOWN the intensity would in turn inhibit my growth. I am coming to the conclusion that this is not true… it seems to me that if the ability to monitor, contain, observe and turn-down the process is not also taught, then the result is disastrous.
Accountability.